Out by the Trailer

O' Christmas Tree
Originally uploaded by EdnPHX.

Trailers, got to love em’. YEE-HAW! I’ve had a crazy red-neck, trailer, Walmart kinda week. Any let me tell ya’ll, it ain’t fun lookin’ for dat dem der Christmas tree. Yes, I am currently in a search for an artificial Christmas tree. I usually get a fresh cut tree, but since I live alone and I am traveling over the holidays, I thought it would be better to get an artificial one. I have this insane nightmare of coming home from Cleveland after the holidays only to find my place burnt down because of a dry tree and some faulty mini lights. So it’s time to get the fire retardant artificial tree to ease those fears. So, I began my search. I ended up at (gasp) Walmart. And here’s what happened.

I hate Walmart. No, really I do. The Super Walmart by me is also known as “Little Guadalajara”. It’s an absolutely crazy place with Mexicans running all over the place, insane children, crying babies, loud speaker announcements in 2 languages, and chickens running across the floor everywhere. (Well, actually the chickens are an exaggeration, but they would totally fit in with the ambiance.) Anyway, I go over to the garden department to see the selection of trees. I couldn’t find them anywhere. Were they hiding them from me as some cruel joke? I wondered. So, I asked the blue-haired senior lady at the garden register and she said: “Oh ya’ll need to check for dem out by the trailer!” Pause. Was this for real? “Walmart” and “trailer” in the same sentence? No it couldn’t be! But, yet it was. So I went out back “by the trailer” and sure enough there was a winter wonderland of real and artificial Christmas trees. I get outside and the trailer had a sign that said “Ho Ho Ho” on it and had mini lights all over the place. To add to the holiday spirit, they were playing Garth Brooks twangy Christmas tunes out of a portable boom box. (I personally thought it should have been Feliz Navidad, but Walmart must think there are no such things as Latinos and that everybody loves country music. By the way, you can own Garth Brooks new CD for only 12.99, available exclusively only at Walmart…yadda yadda yadda..) So I looked around and came across a couple artificial beauties. Pre-lit with either multi-color lights or white lights. I was looking for something more classic like white lights, but then I though: “I’m at Walmart…classy is just not in its vocabulary.” So I inquired about a 7.5 foot pre-lit Douglite fur. (Which was Walmart’s clever way of saying artificial DOUGLAS fur.) So the trailer attendant came out and asked if I needed help. (I was at Walmart….that is a weighted question to say the least…) I asked about the tree in front of me and he replied (and I kid you not): “Oh that one’s a beauty…do you want me to cut the bottom up for your tree stand?” Um….it’s an artificial tree. At that point, I politely excused myself and decided that I had enough idiotic people for the day……Target never looked so good. On the way home I imagined this guy trying to cut the bottom branches off an artificial tree, plugged in no less. I see sparks everywhere and the emergency room doctors laughing their asses off.

So now, I am getting ready for my trip to El Paso, Texas. WEE-HOO! I’m going with a couple of my friends from PHX to visit my friend Josh, who I have known for many, many years. We both grew up in Northeast Ohio, and he moved out to El Paso a number of years ago. I’ve never been, but I’m sure after a couple of drinks it will be a fabulous place. I honestly have to say, I hate Texas. I’ve been to most major cities in Texas, and never liked any of them. Although, there are some way hot guys in that state. Who knows, maybe I’ll be swept off my feet by a hunky cowboy. Speaking of which, I’m looking forward to the upcoming movie Brokeback Mountain. So maybe this trip will get me in the mood for some country music and cowboy boots. I think as long as we stay away from the local Walmarts, it’ll be a great trip. Hell, I even got upgraded to first class on the flight out there…a good sign indeed.