I'm Trapped.

Instant Thanksgiving.
Originally uploaded by EdnPHX.

Yes, I’m trapped. One of the things I absolutely hate about living in a multi-unit complex is the fact of when people decide to move. Yes, it’s a really happy moment in their lives: new place, probably bought their first home, they are moving to bigger better and more happy places. Unfortunately they always decide to park their “Happy Moving Truck” in front of my garage. I’d ask them to move the truck, but why bother considering they are going to be moving all day. It’s amazing how much junk people have. I never knew it took a whole truck to move a Precious Moments figurine collection. Additionally, why do people insist on moving at 7:00am on a Saturday? “BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEP….” It’s not like the truck itself was loud enough that they had to put the on loudest back-up beeper. I mean, what kids are playing behind a moving truck at 7am on a Saturday? Then, of course, they start loading the truck. Who knew that they were moving steel beams and throwing them directly on the bare metal of the truck. “BAM BANG CLANK SCREACH GRIND BAM!” Who needs an alarm clock when I got neighbors like these? Well, at least temporarily. They could have at least hired some beefy movers to watch. I can’t wait till my building goes condo. Not like that is going to make THAT much difference, but at least it will cut down on the “Happy Moving Trucks.”

So today I have to buy a turkey. Gooble Gooble…it’s fucking Thanksgiving, people. Have you gotten YOUR turkey stuffed? (That was bad I know…but I totally think that every time I pass the frozen turkeys at Safeway. I like that saying almost as much as “getting your kitty punched”. People see me laughing in Safeway. If they only knew…). So I’ve decided to get one of those Jennie-O Frozen Turkeys in A Bag. I’m all about having a good piece of meat, and well, I had one of these last year. It was just as the label promised: “From Freezer to Over to Delicious”. I debated getting a regular frozen or even fresh turkey, but then I remember that you have to gut the damn thing. Talk about a crash diet. I wouldn’t be able to eat for a week if I had to pull a heart, liver, kidneys, and what ever the hell else out of the bum of a turkey. Fisting a turkey is not my idea of the holidays. So, that’s why this Jennie-O bird is such a great idea. Take it out of the bag…pop it in the oven, and viola! It’s Thanksgiving, dammit. Who is this Jennie-O anyway? I want to shake her hand…as long as I know she wasn’t fisting her birds before….yuck.

So the family is coming in all the way from Northfield Center, Ohio. (Which is a southeastern suburb of Cleveland). Not all the family is coming, just my mom, my older brother and younger sister. I have a relatively large family. I have 2 other siblings, who will be in Ohio enjoying the cold weather and snow….and fisted turkey I’m sure. I have a sitcom family. I love them all like no tomorrow, but when you see the mechanics of my family, you think you saw something special….like a sitcom or a Broadway musical. We say “fuck” at the dinner table, we’re all loud, we argue, we laugh, we cry, we give hugs, we eat pasta, and we drink….and that’s all within 10 minutes of getting together. Imagine a “Fran Drescher like” family without the New York accent. As my siblings would agree, you have to give a disclaimer to people when they meet my family for the first time. The disclaimer being “You will be drinking, you will blush a number of times, and you HAVE to be yourself.” If you don’t get along with my family….you’ll never make it in my world. We all have polar opposite personalities and we all get along. It’s weird…..but it works and it’s my family…which I do miss. That’s why I’m excited to see them.

So it’s off to Safeway……watch out Jennie-O, here I come! (Just clean those hands.)