Push My Buttons.

The seductive Easy Button.
Originally uploaded by EdnPHX.

It’s been a crazy and rough past couple of weeks. Although most of the stuff has been good news it’s still quite a stressful time in my life. Lots of change and unexpected crap that just pops up. So, to my delight I found my solution to the trials of life by watching a Staples commercial. Yes, a Staples commercial. Their new ad campaign centers on a device called the Easy Button.

Whether you’ve seen it or not, the idea is quite simple. The device is a big red plastic button with the word “Easy” on it. It can be placed almost anywhere, on a desk, on a table, on a car dashboard….it can be picked up, it can be put down. You could even glue it to your forehead if you really wanted to stand out. But what makes this device so magical is the powers that it commands. When things get tough, press the easy button.

So I was excited to see that Staples has actually mass-produced the Easy Button for purchase at their stores. I, of course, bought one and brought it back to the office to see if it really worked. I put it right next to my phone, as that is where the bulk of my work stress comes from. As I looked at the big red button, I thought of all the use this darn thing would get:

Complicated employee relations issues? Click.
Sexual Harassment suits? Click.
High Prices at the gas pump? Click.
Stress with the new house? Click.
Bad Women Drivers? Click.
The idiot at Starbucks who can’t make up their mind in front of me in line? Click.
The Iran nuclear Program? Click.
Doing my taxes? Click.
Al Qeada? Click.
Painting the House? Click.
The 2008 Presidential election? Click. Click. Click.

The possibilities are just endless. But as the work stress came rolling in, and I pressing the Easy Button, nothing really happened. To my dismay this big red button was nothing more that a Madison Avenue ploy to purchase a piece of plastic made in China for $4.99. Big bummer. My dreams of “Gosh, it’s so hard to get my favorite porn stars to come over. Click.” are now gone. (Really big bummer.) Now, the Easy Button sits next to the company logo stress ball and the penholder with pens I never use. The magic was gone, then enchantment faded, and the word “Easy” really meant “Dreaming”.

So, then I though what mythical “other” buttons would be fun to have (and work of course.) So here’s a couple other “Buttons” that would be fun to have.

SLEAZY. (For those really prude people)
MUTE. (For those people you just want to shut up.)
LIFE. (For people who need to get one.)
PRETTY. (When you want to “pretty up” things, places or even people)
AA. (For the drunk people at bars.)
CLOTHES OFF. (For those times when you just wish the other person would.)
CALGON (When you just wish Calgon would just take you awaaaaaaaaay.)
MONEY. (Got to have this one.)

Again, the list can go on forever. But it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

Gosh, I'm Tired!

SOLD!
Originally uploaded by EdnPHX.

Yup, that’s right it’s been a crazy last couple of weeks…and quite frankly I’m tired. The good news is that good things are happening. (Knock on wood.) I am buying a house. Yes, I am finally taking the leap into home ownership. Made an offer on a house last week and it’s going through. I’m happy I found a house within Central Phoenix in a good neighborhood. (Not to mention a relatively good price) Now, I’m just getting exited looking for things like a washer and dryer, shades, and what color I plan on painting the house. Tim is already lining up us buying a chocolate lab puppy when the house closes and we move in. Yes, we’re excited. Did I mention is has a pool too?

On the job front, the evil boss situation is turning out to work in my favor. I had an offer from another division in my company. As it turns out, the powers that be slapped my evil boss hard on all of the retention problems in her department. Because of this she came back with a sweet offer for a rather large promotion to keep me. Needless to say, she made me an offer I could not refuse. We’re working through the details and the promotion will be in place by May 15th. I figure I could definitely use the promotion and I’ll only have limited interaction with her in the new position. A win-win situation none the less.

So now it’s just trying to keep up with the house and work situation. This weekend should hopefully be a relaxing one. I’ll have more time to post then….and give you some insight on some insightful topics.

Turning off the Cruise Control.

Tom Cruise, South Park style.
Originally uploaded by EdnPHX.

I have to admit, the creators of South Park are absolute geniuses. If you haven’t seen the episode “Trapped In the Closet”, then you are missing some of the best humor on TV. What strikes me the most is the fact that I cannot stand Tom Cruise. I could care less about the guy. Unfortunately, when ever I turn on the TV, glance over at the Tabloids in the checkout isle, or read the Life section of the newspaper, his name and face are all over the place. And that’s when I ask myself: “Who the hell cares?”

I think one of the reasons why I don’t like Tom Cruise is because he represents everything I hate about Hollywood and American entertainment culture. Why are people obsessed with this guy? I used to work in the entertainment industry in the mid 90s and we had a word for these groupies: Starfuckers. Augh, I just love that word. It so captures the nature of these people. So what’s the deal with Tom Cruise? Here’s a couple of my perceptions of why I believe he’s a total wacko.

Tom Cruise is gay. I mean, really, come on….think about it. If you do a google search on “Tom Cruse Gay” you get over 7,080,000 results. That’s a heck of a lot. It’s full of rumors, eye witness accounts and factual sightings of “less than hetero” activities. Although I, personally, cannot prove a thing, I believe this guy is one of the biggest closeted moes out there. And, if that’s true, he’s living one big lie. And THAT pisses me off. Of course, he’s “straight until proven gay”, but have you ever gotten in a conversation about how “straight” Tom Cruise is?

Tom Cruise is a wack job. Tom’s behavior publicly has not been what one would say is “normal”, even for Hollywood standards. Maybe it’s the Christian Scientology, maybe it’s the suppressed homosexual inside, maybe it’s all of the flash bulbs triggering a type of behavioral seizure; either case jumping on couches isn’t normal. (Yes, Tom, your overly excited about Katie…..stop trying to prove you are straight….it’s not working.)

Tom Cruise is a horrible actor. Let’s be honest…do you see Academy Award in is credentials? Not so much. He’s a typical type casted actor that has no real ability to act. He’s up there with Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwartzenagger. But, yet he’s still one of Hollywood highest paid stars, go figure.

Tom Cruise is hurting people. Proof in point is his outspoken words against aint-depressants. Again, call it the brainwashing of the Christian Scientology cult, but anyone who would tell people not to take prescribed medications without knowing background, or medical history of people taking them, is just out to get publicity. I know many people who are on anti-depressants whose life has changed for the better because of them. Tom doesn’t know them, thank god. Maybe if he took them he’d be in a better place too. Belief or not, he’s got a social responsibility with star power and he’s abusing it for his own personal gain.

Which brings me back to South Park. I have to give credit to South Park for calling the cards on Tom Cruise. Of course, everything is fictitious, a satire, even. But, the fact remains that Mr. Cruise is a total wack job. What amazes me, though, is that he still has legions of fans that would do anything, and I mean anything, to be near him, get his autograph, or shake his hand. Sorta reminds me of Michael Jackson. And THAT’s when it starts getting scary.

Immigration & Starbucks

Come one, come all. Just play by the rules.
Originally uploaded by EdnPHX.

God love coffee. It wakes me up, keeps me going, and makes me happy. All is good with a warm cup of coffee. Be it Starbucks or Dean & Deluca (which is way superior to the former) it always brings a smile to my face and makes me feel good inside. That is, unless your way to Starbucks is blocked by 50,000 immigration protesters. (record scratch).

“What the, who the? Immigration reform? Are these people crazy? Do they even speak English? Get the hell out of my way…..my cup of happiness is awaiting!” Here in Phoenix, as well as many other major cities in the US, the political landscape is all abuzz on immigration reform. But unlike the media and political buzz, most of the 300 million Americans don’t have a clue about, or even care, what everyone is up in arms for. So, I asked myself about what I believe this stuff is all about, and what I believe most Americans would say about immigration reform. I asked a couple people in my office about it and got a myriad of answers. “I have no idea what its all about.” “Send those illegals back home!” “The system is so f’d up I don’t know what anything is about.” “Augh, another march? Are you kidding me?” .

The sad truth is most Americans don’t really care about immigration reform. The usual “How does this affect me?” question kicks in. And since no one knows, they just don’t care. So I thought to myself, what is immigration reform to me? And I thought to myself here’s what I believe in regards to immigration:

1. Immigration should be like abortion: legal and safe.
2. In order to vote, you need to be an American. (Born here, naturalized, or be a registered citizen). It’s a right of the American People, not the world.
3. In order to receive public services, you need to be a tax paying contributor to the US. We can’t even pay for our OWN poor people, so why are we paying for other country’s people? Emergency/Police Services (like ambulance service) should be exempt for this.
4. If you want to work here or live here, you’ve got to play by the rules. People need to register with the Federal and State government. The process should be easy, safe and should address national security issues.
5. I don’t believe it should be a felony to be here illegally. BUT, I do believe that if you are here illegally, you need to either register or be deported. If you refuse to play by the rules, then you should leave. Try Canada. (No offense to Canadians.)
6. Although Spanish is great to know, our main language here is English. Please, at least, try to learn it. And your protest signs should be in English too….makes a bigger impact if people can read it.
7. If you continually break the rules, you should go to jail or not be allowed back into the country.
8. Protest marches should not block my way to Starbucks.

That’s about it. Pretty simple. Of course there are plenty of other issues that I don’t know about. Why? Because that question kicks in again “How does it affect me?”. And because of that question most Americans don’t care. It’s my country, and if you want to move here, then go through the motions. If not, why not work on making your own country better? Yea, it’s pretty sad. So immigration reform? Sure, I’m all for it. As long as people wishing to immigrate here play by the rules and don’t’ block my way to a cup of coffee. Then I’ll just get mad.

Hybrid Hysteria

Not Quite Yet.
Originally uploaded by EdnPHX.

It’s amazing how hyped up hybrid cars are now a days. Just think, a very few short years ago, no one would know what you were talking about. Now it seems the word “hybrid” is mentioned in every car commercial, political conversation and Hollywood interview. Yes, America is obsessed with hybrid automobiles and the perception that they alone are saving the country, and the world, from the evil dependence to foreign oil. Oh yes, and saving the environment too….can’t forget that.

I personally know 3 people who own hybrids. I’ll agree that their Toyota Priuses are quite nice…neat even. Push the button, flip a lever and off you go…sipping gas and expelling “look at me, I’m saving the world from evil” right out of their chrome plated tail pipes. All of them bought hybrids for the right reasons and economically it made sense for them. And yes, they look fabulously eco-chic. They love their piece of the automotive future. The only thing missing is the “pleeeeeeep” that the infamous Jetson’s family car made.

But what I find amazing is that although hybrids ARE better than their gasoline counterparts, they are only MARGINALLY better. So I decided to be a good little blogger and actually look at the numbers behind some of the most popular hybrids. When looking at the EPA MPG’s, I decided to really only consider the low numbers in their calculations. Let’s be honest, the high mileage per gallon numbers are in the absolute right conditions and are an estimate. You can’t really guarantee perfect conditions on the road, especially here in Phoenix with construction, traffic and accidents. BUT, you should be able to hold true the bottom number. So, without further adieu:

Escape Hybrid SUV: 36 city/31 highway
Toyota Prius: 60 city/51 highway
Toyota Hylander Hybrid: 33 city/30 highway
Lexus RX400h: 31 city/27 highway
Lexus GSh (2007): 30 city/26 highway
Honda Accord Hybrid: 25 city/34 highway
Honda Civic Hybrid: 49 city/51 highway
Honda Insight: 60 city/66 highway (The best of the bunch)

Ok, yes at first glance they look like pretty good numbers right? Well, consider that these cars are NOT hybrid, but rather all gasoline, normal cars:

VW Golf Diesel: 37 city/44 highway
VW Beetle Diesel: 37 city/44 highway
Toyota Matrix/Pontiac Vibe: 30 city/36 highway
Honda Civic: 30 city/40 highway
Hyundai Accent 32 city/35 highway
Acura TL 20 city/29 highway (I clocked my car getting 31mpg at times)
Toyota Rav4: 24 city/30 highway

So when you really look at it…although the numbers ARE better for hybrids, you have to admit, it’s not a HUGE difference. Which brings me to one of the points of this post: Why is it that we can go to the moon, put 10,000 songs in our pocket, and even make hundreds of thousands of Twinkies an hour, but yet we cannot make a car that gets 100mpg? People are raving about not having to fill up their hybrid after 400 miles. Shouldn’t normal cars do that? I find that odd. One thing to clarify: I think hybrids are a great idea…and quite frankly I would get one. But, governments and auto manufacturers need to really do what they need to do: Make cars go farther on gas, or really stand behind alternative fuels, like hydrogen. (By the way did you know that 2/3rds of all matter in the known universe is hydrogen? Hmmm….don’t really see a hydrogen shortage anytime soon, do you?)

Anyway, as much as we all love those nifty hybrids, here’s another thing to consider: “Do you know any people who drive hybrids who make UNDER $30k?” Nope…not me. You’d figure that hybrids would be the perfect solution for middle America, let alone the booming population of China. Because hybrids are targeted for the upper economic social ranks, the cost of a hybrid is, at most times, out of reach for most people. Can you justify the $3000-$6000 price premium on top of the regular car price? Nope, I wouldn’t really want to do that either. Because of this, hybrids will NOT drop in price anytime soon. Boy, Lindsay Loham, Brad Pitt and Salma Hayak sure look fabulous in those shiny hybrids. (Too bad they also all drive big SUVs too….sorta cancels out the point, doesn’t it?) Is saving the planet and reducing our dependence on foreign oil only for the chosen few?

So, next time your zipping along on the freeway and you pass that hybrid, think to yourself: Who are we kidding? Yes, it’s a step…a baby step. But, until perceptions change, governments change, and auto manufacturers change, hybrids are no more than regular cars, with marginally better mileage and a huge “cool” factor to them. Yes, it looks like the future is on the horizon….but the wait is going to be a little longer than expected.